The Captain and the Archeologist
by Fyliwion
Summary: ...Or why you don't travel with 51st centurions-- All of time and space to explore, yet somehow that one person you want to kill just keeps coming back to annoy you. Especially when you're with the Doctor.


_My first foray into Doctor Who... I started the fic ages ago, and decided to take it up again... a bit late for my ficwriting!versary and a bit early for Silence in the Library versary, but I figure the day inbetween isn't so bad. _

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Doctor Who nor any other characters… Not even while trying to manipulate time and space…

* * *

It was official, he was going to find whoever was nearly tearing apart his ship and drop them in the darkest and most dismal part of the universe he could find. The TARDIS was not meant to be jostled out of her flight like that, and at the moment the Doctor was feeling a bit like a poorly packed piece of mail. Whoever was mishandling his ship like that probably broke all of their Christmas presents by shaking the inside to bits- presuming of course whoever was doing the shaking actually was in a galactic system that _had_ Christmas.

Point being- once they landed, wherever they landed, he was going to speak to management about landing procedures, and demand his poor ship got some sort of reimbursement. Not to mention wasn't there some sort of law about ripping a person's spaceship out of time and space when you were simply trying to take a nice little daytrip to Earth?

He took a quick peek at the logistics before he was quite literally tossed across the room again. Right then, still appeared to be en-route to Earth. Presuming of course that the stupid idiot who was bringing his ship down around him hadn't screwed with his navigational system (which really shouldn't be possible… but neither should tearing the TARDIS out of time and space unless she wanted to be torn out, which he was fairly certain right now she didn't) and now it appeared they were spiralling towards his planet of choice. Well there was one happy thought- He could handle Earth. Mostly. Sometimes. Even if he did usually tend to get things blown up when he was there, but then things tended to do that no matter what planet he was on…

Whatever it meant he presumed for the moment the TARDIS was not lying to him and they were in fact plummeting towards Earth which meant he had quite a good suspicion on precisely who and what might be causing said plummeting- particularly since (he grabbed hold of his controls checking his computers) yup, _especially _ since the 21st century was _definitely _not suppose to be using tractor beams that defied the time and space continuum- Actually they shouldn't be _using _tractor beams at all.

Yup. Someone was in deep trouble once the TARDIS finally landed from the decent of doom. Not to mention-

"What the bloody hell do you think you're doing Doctor?!" screamed the woman who was clutching to the door frame for dear life.

Right- such smart companions he had. Leave the nice small room he had for them with nice cushioned things, and come to the big, hard, and spacious room where there was barely anything to hold onto to… of course knowing her she had probably been in the bloody library looking up what archaic place she felt like visiting next and got pummelled by the books once the rocking started.

"Right because ya think I'd _really_ be putting the TARDIS through this if I had a choice? Oiy perhaps you don't have as much brains as I thought," he yelled back at her through the noise.

She grinned across the room at him, "If you knew it'd upset me sweetie? No doubt!"

Amazing how she could make him laugh even while he was waiting for the TARDIS to crash into a thousand little bits due to the stupidity that assumed had something to do with Captain Jack. No make that he was sure it had something to do with a certain Jack Harkness. Who else would be stupid enough to use a tractor beam to pull a bloody ship out of the middle of time and space thanks so kindly?

"Wellll sorry but you can't pin this one on me. If I'm correct, which I usually am, I believe this one's all Torchwood's doing. Well at least I think it is.. Well I don't know who else on the planet would be stupid enough to have a tractor beam ohhhh lets say a couple thousand years early- 'course I guess they did have the thing under works in the 33rd century, but that one exploded after the second test and seeing how it left the entirely facility as dust it was judged too dangerous to remake until- oh I guess it was about 4206- but by then-"

He was stopped by the loud crash River made as she was thrown from her perch and into a nearby pile of parts he'd been meaning to use for repairs for a while now.

"Doctor-" he heard her groan from where she was currently trying to hold on for dear life, "Can we please discuss the history of the tractor beam later and could you try to get this bloody ship to stop trying to kill us!?"

"But I just said, if anything the TARDIS is trying to stop us from getting killed and-" he paused as she gave him a particularly angry look, "And… Uh… Right… can do!" he reached over just as another jolt led him flying across the room into the near wall and he groaned, "That is if they don't make me regenerate first, and I like this body too! Actually… wonder if maybe that's what they're trying to do- Kill me in the TARDIS- wonder how many times they'd try to make me regenerate before they actually let her land-"

"Doctor _please!" _

"Can do!" he ran for his controls just as the TARDIS gave another large jerk and then-

It stopped.

Thank goodness… which meant- "Right then-" he said as he picked himself up trying to ignore the thousand and one bruises screaming at him from his bounce-around-the-TARDIS excursion. "Shall we see who it is we owe the pleasure of such a nice trip? Come on then!" He clapped his hands only to fly head first into the control panel as his ship gave a horrendous crash.

"…I believe it might be prudent to make sure we've actually landed first lovely…" said the disembodied voice coming from his spare parts collection.

He paused for a moment before flashing the pile a grin, "Right you are."

Really though that whole trip was a bit extreme. Not to say that he wasn't use to a decent amount of shaking in his ship, but that had just been ridiculous- His first piloting attempt in the TARDIS hadn't even been that bad and well… that had been pretty bad. Even River couldn't screw things up _this _much.

The curses coming from the other side of the room made him presume his companion was still mostly alive, and as he saw her dusting off her clothes and pulling out that damn squareness gun (why did he even let her keep it? Probably because she kept finding out where he hid it…) he presumed she hadn't been hurt too badly.

Actually at the moment she didn't seem to be in much pain at all, but perhaps that had something to do with the look of mutiny on her face… Well at least he knew she wasn't going to be the death of him, yet, actually he might have to regenerate or more than likely would with her now that he thought about it… but that wasn't really the point. Point was that it paid to be a time traveller, sometimes, sort of, specially, well mostly when it came to temperamental companions.

Didn't mean of course that he wouldn't find himself handcuffed and gagged in a closet for a month or two if she felt this whole thing was somehow his fault. Which it wasn't. He would never put his poor TARDIS through all that, but for some reason everyone always thought everything was his fault when half the time he was just the victim too.

Course after the battering that beam gave them he wouldn't be surprised if the TARDIS didn't go along with her on the whole handcuffed in a closet idea… probably even show her right where the smallest ones were out of spite. Really should stop allowing his companions to know his ship was just as living as they were, or maybe just keep them on a shorter amount of time.

Still- "Poor thing-" he told his ship as he stroked one of her walls gently. "It's alright girl you just rest and we'll take care of whoever did all that…" he felt her give a shudder underneath him and he suddenly felt almost as angry as River looked.

"Allllrrriiighhhtt…. Time to find out precisely why someone's attempting to get me to regenerate. I'm perfectly happy with this body thank you so very much!" He readjusted his own coat and stretched.

"I don't know that I shouldn't just throw you out of the ship and watch from inside the TARDIS to make sure they don't try to dissect us. Or its not a man-eating planet, again… Or something else that finds time lords particularly appetizing…" River said with even more sarcasm than before. At least she was currently distracted by trying to get her curls back up into her knot thing on her head.

"Actually that might not be such a bad plan. I'll just take a quick look outside and you can just settle in here," he said cheerfully as he brushed off his coat and started walking towards the door. "Though according to the TARDIS this should still be 21st century Earth. Excellent time, and quite a nice point in the duration of the human race. Quite a boom in technology, and you archaeologists all make a mess of their devices to no end. 'Course I have a suspicion where we've landed they might be a bit more advance than they should be, seeing how this was when you human's really started to botch the whole normal progression thing. Wellll to be fair, I suppose that was sort of my fault, not that I can help the fact you people just seem to have a fascination with trying to get earth destroyed before its time-"

The woman just rolled her eyes as she walked across to the door and shook her head at the Doctor, "Men! You're all the same, and for some reason I have to travel with the one that just wouldn't shut his gab and happens to be a complete idiot… Since you won't stop nattering on I'll go first thank you. I mean really sweetie I can't imagine whatever life form out there will be very impressed your sonic screwdriver. If they had the technology to bring down a time machine that's in mid-orbit then I'm certain these ancient humans of yours probably have some weaponry… and you know very well you won't regenerate if they decide to just vaporize you. At least I stay armed," she waved her squareness gun at him as she reached for the door.

The Doctor shook his head and tsked at her, "Why do you always have to resort to violence! Honestly! Not every planet we go to wants to harm us you know! Do all you blokes in the 51st century feel it's necessary to shoot first ask questions later?" He strode across to lean against the door and stop her opening it.

"Actually I think that's the _natural _reaction when you can't open the door without having someone try to kill you. Correct me if I'm wrong but since I've joined you I was almost dissolved, then we had the space ship blow up not once but twice while the TARDIS dropped us onboard, there was that isolated planet of cannibalistic human wilders, several attempts of disguised aliens who tried to use us as new skins, oh and don't forget that we were actually swallowed by that giant whale thing-"

"Exotripillian Gelphus- last one of its kind too! At least it swallowed the TARDIS though it took days to clean it off-"

"…Doctor just step away from the door…." oh great. It was _that _look. Oh well… he had his suspicions on who had the "brilliant" idea of using that beam. He'd let _him_ deal the woman. Although he wasn't positive that haven't them in the same room together could end well, but at least he knew she could handle herself.

"Alright tally-ho!" He opened the door and let his companion take a step out and waited for the shouts he expected to come.

Only to find his eyebrows rise as she stopped in the middle of the doorway, which was not at all like the River Song the Doctor had come to know. It wasn't that she wasn't careful, it was more that she had an impulsive streak in her- not unlike his own really. And stubborn. Very stubborn.

Which meant something had either turned her to stone, or whatever was waiting for them must be truly terrible.

"Shit!" he heard from the street outside.

Well, he supposed some people might see Jack Harkness as a disaster waiting to happen, but for some reason he suspected there was a little more to it than that.

The Doctor peered out a ways trying to get a better view.

Definitely worth it to see his current companion about to kill Captain Jack there.

"O.K. I think I must have gotten the wrong Police box, if you'll just step back inside your nice little space ship there I'll-" Jack was slowly trying to creep back towards the monstrosity of a machine he had next to him.

Which his lovely companion there wasn't falling for, "What in bloody hell did you do with my ship, sweet cheeks!?"

Ohhhh and now she had the squareness pointed at him… this could be fun. After all Jack could be shot up a couple times and be perfectly healthy (alright so maybe there was a little pain involved) whereas if he were to interfere and risk River shooting him he might have to undergo an entire biological makeover.

Not to mention perhaps it would do _Captain_ Jack there some good to be shot up a bit. Torchwood was apparently going to the man's brain. I mean why bother just calling someone on the telly like a sane person when you can crash land their plane into a very solid planet?

"Oooh Squareness gun! Wait a sec- That's my squareness gun! Where the hell did you-" he started to walk towards her, until something in her face caused him to stop.

She didn't so much as blink, "What rubbish are you spouting off now? This can't be your squareness gun. If you think you're going to take my gun just like you did my ship you've got something else coming mister-"

"No! That's my gun- look see if you look at that top you'll notice this really long scratch, not to mention I can tell since I refinished it a bit-"

"This things almost ancient! Nonsense about refurbishing. I found this fair and square in one of the lockers in the TARDIS-" she looked her gun over again thoughtfully.

"Where was the Doctor with all that huh? Can't be all that innocent yourself doll face," he grinned at her as a gleam hit his eyes.

At which point the Doctor really had started to have his fill and he strode out of the ship with a yawn, "Right then! Where were we off to? Oh riiighhhtttt 21st century Earth! Like I was saying… delightful place really. Quite amicable, well mostly… I guess… well they do have this nasty xenophobia of anything spacelike. Not cured till… oh guess you could say 29th century, though even then they were a bit on the hostile side. No where near as friendly as your lot is- when you're not toting around guns that is to say-" he scowled at the squareness gun, "Honestly could you please put that thing down- won't do a lick of good on that one anyway. Old companion took care of that," he sighed as leaned against his ship.

"Doctor?" said Jack from where he was cornered as he was the other man walk out. "Hah! Doctor it is you and looking good if I might say! Care to give me a hand over here? See this pretty little lady thinks-"

"Handsome will you please shut- wait… Doctor do you _know_ this man?"

"What? Him? What? Wha- Nooooo noo no. Just a- well- I guess- you know an acquaintance that's all!" He had his hand through his hair as he opened his mouth trying to save his skin, "Helped me save the world a couple times over. Of course well he almost destroyed the world as much as he saved it. Sort of. You know could you please put that gun down I really would rather not the TARDIS end up with a hole in her after she's already been tossed through time and space like a sack of rice thank you. What _is _ it with you humans that makes you feel a compulsory need to shoot things. Honestly!" He shook his head and then frowned even more, "What is this all about anyway? Ship? What ship?"

"MY ship that he stole from me! Left me stranded on a bloody battle ground too!"

"Yeah well you wouldn't believe what I've been through due to that damn plane of yours lady," Jack made a face. "Hell and back doesn't quite cover it-"

"Oh yeah? And you really think getting stuck on Beryllian was a blast huh laddybuck? No ship! No communication! Nothing!"

"You had clothes! Your stupid ship ended up almost killing me, no wait, I can pretty much say that damn ship of yours _did_ get me killed, and the thing couldn't even make a decent martini-"

Which set her off again this time with her waving the gun through the air while the Doctor his face in his hands, "And do you have any idea how much trouble I went to get that warship in the first place!? All the strings I had to pull? And then there were the refurbishments! Paint job! Parts! Not to mention the cost of the license to pilot the thing. And that bar was top line that I had installed! Don't blame me if you can't hold your liquor. Oh no Mister I'll be seeing your sorry ass put right-"

It had clicked just a couple seconds before she had started talking, actually he'd had suspicions since the word ship came up, and that just confirmed it. He knew he was grinning ridiculously but he couldn't help himself. "Wait a minute! Oh… that's… oh that's just brilliant. Oh of all the… So wait.. Do you mean to say-" he said walking between the two of them still grinning like an idiot, "That it was your Chula Warship he blew up?"

As she rounded on him he had to fight not just cracking up and started trying to take off the idiotic grin he knew was currently plastered to his face, "…what do you mean _blew up?_"

"Did I say blow up? Reaalllly? I meant… Uh… You know funny things Chula ships! Excellent craftsmen, though it does amaze me that even though they don't export them officially how many slip into the system. 'Course insides a bit drab and tiny if I do say, and have you seen some of their actual-" When in doubt changing the subject usually worked.

Unless of course you were dealing with a woman who had her ship taken apparently.

"Gee thanks Doc- " Jack's voice was seeping with sarcasm. "Couldn't you have at least given her a banana or something before you gave her a reason to try to kill me?"

Doctor started to open his mouth, but settled on a weak grin instead. "Well it's not like she _could _kill you… don't worry this one didn't look into the time vortex," he said with a nod towards Jack, and he was still quite peeved that the _Captain _ there felt shooting down his ship was better than just giving him a ring on the telly.

Which left Jack trying to get on River's good side. "Do you really want to shoot me?" wheedled the man in front of her. "Come on doll, I'm harmless now. Boy scout's honour!" He flashed her an enduring smile.

Which only succeeding in making her glare more fierce, "You forget sweetheart. I'm from the 51st century too, the only boy scout's we have are the boys scouting around for your darling little time agency."

"Disbanded now!" said Jack with a weak smile, "I think… Not that I still wouldn't like to take a last shot at a couple of them. Now come on sweetie you don't really think I deserve this."

"Yes I really think you do laddy-o," she said a bit too serenely.

"How about I just let you keep the gun and we call it even? Last squareness gun in the Universe you know! Not a bad deal- So what do you say pretty lady? We call it even and you let me take you out for a nice tour around the facilities?" He flashed her a grin.

"Not on your life hon-" she flashed him a smile of her own.

At which point the Doctor had seen enough of what the 51st centurions probably considered an elaborate game of foreplay. He strode between the two of them and plucked the sqauareness gun out of River's hands before she could really do more than reach helplessly for it, "Right well no point in wasting the battery!" he dropped it in his pocket knowing full well she'd probably go digging through them later to find it anyway, "Jack there's probably even more resilient than I am, and its been- what… ohh.. Lets see.. I don't know… almost- mmm two hundred years at least since he stole your ship? Right Jack?" He looked over at the man who was now grinning sheepishly at the two of them.

"Well I don't know Doctor. Do we count a trip to the end of the universe and back too?"

"Wait what are you two… is that what you're calling yourself now? Jack?" she strode towards both men and the Doctor moved away from his terrifying companion.

"Captain Jack Harkness at the service of such a lovely lady-" he reached for her hand and was rewarded with a very audible slap.

Then she rounded back on the Doctor.

"Two-hundred years?" she laughed, "Doctor I don't know what lies he's been dropping in your ear but I thought you'd have better sense than to-" she laughed harder.

Which irked him more than a little, "Well you see… its more like an old companion of mine… remember Rose? Yeah her.. Well.. Ya know the whole time and space and inhaling the vortex bit- sort of brought back boyo there to life… backfired… Quite miffed with me he was not that it was exactly my fault. I was in the middle of dying myself thanks while all the Captain there had to do was take a nap for a bit!"

"Hey I had to live over two lifetimes to catch back up with you, and all I got then was another lousy trip into another torture cell for a year. Do we even go into what happened the last time I had to call you up? And you wonder why I stay with Torchwood-" he shook his head in disbelief.

"No excuse in bringing my ship down like that--" said the Doctor sulking a bit as he went over to look at the elaborate machine that had attacked his TARDIS like that in the first place.

"Wait… are you telling me bucko over there is immortal now? Who the bloody hell makes _him_ immortal!? He's… gah… I _can't believe he blew up my ship!" _she yelled throwing Jack another glare of death. "I loved that ship…."

"…I was going to bring it back…" the man said with a sigh. "I just had to find a bigger ship-- instead I found the Doctor and the ship got blown up. Actually you might never have met the Doctor if my ship hadn't gotten blown up in the first place. See you should be thankful!" Jack grinned as he slid his hands in his coat pocket and strolled up towards her, "So what do you say? Shall old acquaintance be forgot?"

"…Don't push your luck or I'll see to it we take you with us on the next trip around the Universe, and trust me laddy-o I'll let _you _go out the TARDIS door first… Actually I like that idea! What do you say- "

"….No," came the firm reply from the doctor who now had his sonic screwdriver out and was tinkering with the mechanics for the beam machine thing. "We are _not _taking him on the TARDIS, even as potential bait… actually especially as potential bait."

River sized up Jack who was at this point starting to fall into his "show off" mode, "But he'd be so useful! We kick him out of the ship… watch to make sure nothing eats him, attacks him, pummels him… and then we stick him back in one of those deadlocked rooms and go off adventuring. I thought it was quite a nice idea… We wouldn't even have to feed him if what you said was true."

"Hey! No way-- Look you can't just…"

The Doctor looked up from his tinkering and grinned, "Tempting, but no. This is _him _we're talking about. Chances are even on nice normal domestic planets he'd get us eaten. And frankly I don't want to risk coming back and finding out the TARDIS is a few planets and couple millennia away."

She looked over Jack and let out a long sigh, "Oh I suppose… but I was looking forward to it. Alright sweet cheeks your off the hook for now."

"Gee thanks so much I--" he paused as the machine the Doctor with suddenly gave a loud bang and then a short squeal before smoking. The Doctor looked up beaming.

"Fixed! Alright River lets go!"

Jack walked over looking at the machine and tried turning it on, frowning as it didn't make a sound, "Doctor?"

River meanwhile turned towards the Doctor, "Sounds good! Can we go to that diner you were talking about now? I'm still curious about this breakfast food you were talking about-- and I would like to try one of those banana drink when the machinery isn't trying to kill us both--" she said with a snort, "Last time I let you near a blender."

Jack tried the second and third button only to get another non response. He felt his stomach plummet, "Hey Doc… whatchya do to my-"

"Ahh yes I did promise you breakfast didn't I? Excellent little American place a few blocks away. You'll love what they do with eggs, and they're banana smoothie is amazing. Top quality that! Banana pancakes too… excellent source of potassium…" he began walking as she jogged after him giving into his rant.

Jack blinked looking from his tractor beam and back towards the diminishing couple before running after them, "Wait… Hey you didn't even ask why I needed you! Doctor? Doctor! Damn…"

* * *

_**Author Note: **I have a theory that for Moffet everything is likely connected. Given that I'm pretty sure Jack mentioned he conned the ship he was driving in his pilot episode from a woman… and he's from the 51st and we presume River is from the 51st and almost everything Moffet has done has been related to the 51st century… well I've come to believe that nothing is coincidence in Who. _

_I might end up expanding this into a series. I really enjoy writing them… but I need to watch more Torchwood before I do. And more of the older Who as well… It should be noted this will not end up in a three some however… I am a monogomous shipper even in Who... so don't go looking for that... As for which Doctor this is? I understand River is probably travelling with a much later version, but I'll be writing mostly with Ten's voice- since we don't have a later Doctor and given River's personality and commentary she uses quite a few quirks that are definitely from the tenth even if she didn't travel with him. _

_We'll see if I do later fics… _

_I also would like to add... I apologize for some of the puncuation errors... I know some of you must be wincing-- but I have a difficult enough time usually and frankly following the Doctor's train of thought? *shakes head* So I shall acknowledge that fault here... apologize... and please ask you not to flame me for it thanks! _


End file.
